Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dear Diary

Well, it took me long enough to find a name that I could live with and still be me, (but incognito!) so I finally have my own little corner of the interwebs. Though, not actually true as I've started oh, about 6 blogs thus far, but this one's just for me. Long overdue and since it's already 12:30 AM and Elle will be ringing her bell in about 6 hours, I best hop to it...

It's late and I should be sleeping, but I can't. He said I'd regret it and I regret the sleeping part, but not the sex part. I'm not ready to have another baby. I need to get out of this hole a little bit first before I am pulled back under. I have myself to blame, but isolation will do that to you. I just feel so alone and so out of touch from everything and everyone. Like I'm just existing to BF Elle, because truly, that is all I have to show for this past year. Well, that an an incredibly adorable and sweet daughter that 50% of the time I fear I have damaged for life for all the times I've been absent mentally and then the other 50% is spent making up for it. God, I can't wait to get back to the US and to our life. I just feel like this is so temporary so I don't have to "go all out" and I know I should be "sucking the marrow" out of this experience, but I think I'd have to be in a better place personally to be able to do that. The "how to get there" is what I struggle always, since it leads back to exercising. 

As for he and I...we just live on the surface. I mean, I know we're there for each other when the shit hits the fan, but it's the's the losing your shit when I don't know where a house is or didn't think through asking where it was. I feel like we're just swirling the drain, actually. Not that we'll go under. We're both too co-dependent for that, but just in the sense that we literally just go round and round. That we're both just existing. We have our laughs, but is our marriage really that deep? Notsomuch. If he even had the patience, let alone the bandwidth, to deal with this with me/my feelings, then yeah, I think it'd bring us closer, but really, this is about me and figuring me out first. It's the constant feeling that I have to be on the defensive, but I don't have the energy. I have to find it somewhere for Ellie. Man, I can't believe it's been a year.

When I nurse her though, it all goes away. I feel like I have a purpose. She needs me. She needs me to be healthy and in a good place. And I am...when I'm with her. I'm all sunshine because you just can't help but smile when you're with her and I know that some of this is normal. Hell, all of this must be normal, but we're just in not so normal circumstances. I wish I could find the password to that blog I think started. It's fine to share with myself and always good to reflect, but I like the feeling of putting it out there.

Just realized that the text is all going to be different and that really bothers me, but since part of starting this is letting go of being a perfectionist, then I guess no time like the present.

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