Thursday, March 3, 2011

I don't even think "Intervention" could help me now.

So, maybe it was my subconscience or something but after not blogging (on any of my blogs -- yes, plural) since their creation, I just woke up from a nap and had to write :this: down. I feel the need to apologize from the beginning (which my therapist -- if I were still going to her -- would immediately say, "umm hmmm" and make a note of it. Then underline it.) because this is just so out of any sort of context, but I need to write this down.

I had a dream about a girl whose blog I just started reading. Coincidentally, her son has a dairy and soy allergy just like E and she is choosing an elimination diet to be able to continue breastfeeding him...same as I did with E. So I immediately feel a connection with this girl and combine that with the fact that she is really funny and I have been reading a lot of her old posts in the last few days. my dream (and no, nothing freaky...unless you count drying your hair together in the bathroom a la sorority-house style freaky, well then, yeah...there you go.) dream...I was going over to her house to get ready to go out because we were all "WE NEED A GNO, yo!" and we were just talking (over the noise of the hair dryers)  but because of her blog, I had all of this history that I knew about her and she didn't really know anything about me and it was kind of awkward, but she was really open and super nice and we totally hit it off.  YEAH! BFF!

But, that wasn't all. I then had a dream some of my friends and I were getting together for another friend's birthday in Vegas. One friend and I arrived first and she had made these super sweet cards for everyone about how much she appreciated them and was sad that we didn't see each other more and I just started crying because I felt the same way about all of our friends, too. I was also so sad because this party was something I had been looking forward to for SO long and then it was just going to be over and I'd have to come back to Brazil and be alone again.

So...yeah, now I'm having dreams about being real-life friends with random people on the internet, while simultaneously missing my real friends more than anything. Something's gotta give. I need to come home. I need to reach out.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Stepping up

A poem from the Golden Book of Reconstruction Letters...

Builders for Eternity
“Isn’t it strange that princes and kings,
And clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
And common folk like you and me,
Are builders for eternity?
To each is given a bag of tools,
A shapeless mass, and a book of rules;
And each must make, ere life is flown,
A stumbling block or a stepping stone.”
--Author Unknown

$10 to anyone who might know where I found this...or just keeping reading I'll shamefully tell you!

So, it's almost a new day and Marli is coming in the morning, so really, I can attempt to sleep during my massage. Yeah, I know. What do I have to complain about? Well, maybe we'll both figure that out along the way. Just realized I'm writing this as if I have an audience, which is funny, but I think it's more a cry for help...also, kind of funny. 

I saw this tonight when reading the bios for The Real Housewives of DC. It's from Lynda's profile and I love it. Let's back track and take note that not only do I watch the show, but I read their blogs. Yes, I have that kind of spare time. It is honestly disgusting, but I don't know how to knit and I know enough Portuguese to get what I want ... and manage to walk my way through a car accident at the Policia Federal ... so, this is my new hobby, I guess.

Back to the case you missed the obviousness, I'm trying to make this experience a stepping stone and stop counting the days until we get back to our "real life," which by the way, was about 180 degrees different than now, because we have a one year old and all! But, I digress. Again. Get used to it.

I know that my little family needs me to be stronger, so that's what I feel inspired to do at oh, 1 AM. I love this poem and I don't want to lose it. I need to have something to show for this experience and since I've been the worst mom ever and haven't gotten past day 13 of my documenting Elle's life in a photo book, or kept up with monthly letters or even a blog, I'm going to stop feeling guilty and be proud that I have an almost weekly account of the past year...with only about the first 3 months (which were a blur anyway!) missing. 

So, back to stepping up. I love to make other people feel good, so going to start with birthdays and sending cards. Making other people feel good makes me feel good and that is step one for getting out of this hole. That and planning a memorable birthday for (me) for Elle's 1st birthday. In 6 days. SIX DAYS. I will have a 1 year old. 

Dear Diary

Well, it took me long enough to find a name that I could live with and still be me, (but incognito!) so I finally have my own little corner of the interwebs. Though, not actually true as I've started oh, about 6 blogs thus far, but this one's just for me. Long overdue and since it's already 12:30 AM and Elle will be ringing her bell in about 6 hours, I best hop to it...

It's late and I should be sleeping, but I can't. He said I'd regret it and I regret the sleeping part, but not the sex part. I'm not ready to have another baby. I need to get out of this hole a little bit first before I am pulled back under. I have myself to blame, but isolation will do that to you. I just feel so alone and so out of touch from everything and everyone. Like I'm just existing to BF Elle, because truly, that is all I have to show for this past year. Well, that an an incredibly adorable and sweet daughter that 50% of the time I fear I have damaged for life for all the times I've been absent mentally and then the other 50% is spent making up for it. God, I can't wait to get back to the US and to our life. I just feel like this is so temporary so I don't have to "go all out" and I know I should be "sucking the marrow" out of this experience, but I think I'd have to be in a better place personally to be able to do that. The "how to get there" is what I struggle always, since it leads back to exercising. 

As for he and I...we just live on the surface. I mean, I know we're there for each other when the shit hits the fan, but it's the's the losing your shit when I don't know where a house is or didn't think through asking where it was. I feel like we're just swirling the drain, actually. Not that we'll go under. We're both too co-dependent for that, but just in the sense that we literally just go round and round. That we're both just existing. We have our laughs, but is our marriage really that deep? Notsomuch. If he even had the patience, let alone the bandwidth, to deal with this with me/my feelings, then yeah, I think it'd bring us closer, but really, this is about me and figuring me out first. It's the constant feeling that I have to be on the defensive, but I don't have the energy. I have to find it somewhere for Ellie. Man, I can't believe it's been a year.

When I nurse her though, it all goes away. I feel like I have a purpose. She needs me. She needs me to be healthy and in a good place. And I am...when I'm with her. I'm all sunshine because you just can't help but smile when you're with her and I know that some of this is normal. Hell, all of this must be normal, but we're just in not so normal circumstances. I wish I could find the password to that blog I think started. It's fine to share with myself and always good to reflect, but I like the feeling of putting it out there.

Just realized that the text is all going to be different and that really bothers me, but since part of starting this is letting go of being a perfectionist, then I guess no time like the present.